{ acceptance }

I had hoped to wake up this morning not having those same feelings I felt falling asleep to last night. Even though I hit the ground running, getting the kids ready for school, then on to Spencer's eye exam and then back to school again.....I couldn't help but come home and cry.

I woke up to it. I went through my morning routine with it. I carried on conversations with my kids with it. Then finally I came home and was alone with it. It finally pulled me to a point where I couldn't ignore it. I cried. And then I cried some more. I felt like I couldn't function today. I did nothing but mope all day, in this depressed mode of trying to accept the fact that he will be deploying again. Whether I want it or not, he will be going.

I managed to make it through the day, then on to voice lessons for Natalie and drum lessons for Spencer. Once Spencer was back in the lesson room for his lessons I took the girls out to the car. I just couldn't hardly hold my head up, I was exhausted and nautious, everything felt like it was spinning, my head was  hurting and I just wanted to be away from everything. I don't know what is going on. It feels like a deep depression of knowing he is leaving us again. I am trying to accept it. But it is hard. I don't want to accept it. I want to pretend like he isn't going. I want to be able to function again. I want these feelings inside of me to just go away.

I put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight. Then Jerome called and I was able to talk to him for just a bit. Not long, not even enough time to tell him how I've been feeling. And to, there is that part of me that doesn't want to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be strong right? I'm supposed to be supportive and not burden him with this while he is away....right? But I so very much wanted to tell him. I wanted to cry and tell him how much it is hurting inside trying to accept this. But there wasn't time.

So tonight as I stepped over the paper, markers, scissors and crayons from the school projects we had to make this evening, I decided since there is no one to talk to I would write it out. Let all the words be my feelings, but somehow I can't. I'm telling myself to pull it together. He isn't gone yet, he doesn't leave for several months. The markers and crayons laying in the floor beside me are a reminder to pull it together. If not for my own sanity, for our kids. They don't need a mom who isn't functioning, who isn't distracted while making a postcard of Vermont (one of the projects). They need a mom who is strong, who is able to face this challenge again and not worry about what tomorrow brings. They need me. If they can't have their daddy right now, they need me to be there....to really be there and be strong.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm leaving the crayons and markers where they are for tonight. That way in the morning it will be a reminder to myself to pull it together. If not for myself, for them. I need to accept that he is leaving and the sooner I can accept it, I'm thinking maybe the sooner I'll feel better.

~Amber Hope

{ time }

I never knew how important time was until I started counting down the days.

You realize just how quickly it slips through your fingers.

How quickly the moments flash by you, one after the other.

And in each moment wanting to just stop time, right there where it is so that you don't have to face the unbearing truth of knowing that the time to say goodbye once again is coming.

I've tried tucking it away, the knowing that these next few months are going to go by so quickly. I've tried not thinking about it. Not letting myself remember the heartache and worry that sets in the very moment you let time start moving again.

But like all things, I guess it catches up with you.

Tonight it has caught up with me.

He is in Williamsburg, VA right now training. He has been gone four days. Four days and I am missing him terribly. And with that missing him the heartache and worry has set in. The thought that keeps going through my mind, "this is it. this is how it was, lonely, a quiet house at night" the realization that I am and will be all alone all to soon.

I can't stand it. I don't want it. I don't want to feel this heartache again. This feeling of emptiness and being alone to face whatever life brings at me while he is gone. I am not ready.

~Amber Hope

{ dreams. }

A few weeks ago me, Jerome and the girls watched our wedding. They had never watched it before and loved it.

Well, except for the crazy hair that everyone had....they were rollling in laughter at some of the hairstyles.

They laughed at Jerome's "knee socks" and asked him why he was wearing knee socks in the wedding. He told them they weren't knee socks, laughing, and then told them they were Navy dress leggings and something special he wore for a surprise for their mommy.

Katie laughed and said, "Well.....they look like knee socks".

When the wedding ended, Natalie looked at us and asked us how much a wedding costs. We told her A LOT if you have a big wedding these days.

Then she smiled a sweet smile and said, "Well, I want a big wedding".

We laughed and told her she had better start saving for it now.

          -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never, not once did I think Natalie took what we said to heart.

There is a new store that opened in the mall called Charming Charlie, I've been promising them a trip there to buy something if they can keep up with their chores and earn their own money to buy something.

This evening, Natalie and I had a conversation that made me laugh and smile.........and pull her close to me and give her a hug.

The conversation went a little something like this:

Me:   Natalie, pretty soon you'll have enough money saved to go to Charming Charlie.

Natalie: (very matter of fact like) Mom.....I'm not saving my money for Charming Charlie!

Me: (rather confused, then looked at her)  Well, what are you saving your money for?

Natalie: (very excitedly) My WEDDING!!

Me: Your wedding?

Natalie: (very matter of fact again) Yes....you and daddy said if I wanted a big wedding I needed to start saving for it now.

Me: (thinking this would be a good time to have a conversation just her and I) What kind of wedding do you want to have?

Natalie: I want a big wedding. I want a trane that is long....but not froofy like yours was!! I want it to cover my face. I want a long dress with sleeves.

Me:   That sounds very pretty.

Natalie:   Yes. And.....I want to marry a military man!

Me: (very surprised) A military man huh?

Natalie: Yes.

Me:   Well then, what kind of military man?

Natalie:   One with a nice uniform, not knee socks like daddy's. A uniform that is black, blue, gold and red.

Me: Do you mean a Marine?

Natalie: Yes, I like that uniform. It looks nice.

Me: Oh.....I see. (smiling)

There was a little pause and then......

Natalie:   Is it hard being married to a military man mommy?

Me:   It's a tough life chic.....but it is wonderful.

Then we just snuggled and she went on and on about her wedding. What her bridesmaids would wear. What kind of cake she wanted. What kind of flowes she would have.

I laid there and held her while she talked.

Realizing that these moments won't last long.

That pretty soon these wedding dreams she has planned really will be coming true.

And in that little space of time....I just wanted to remember her being little. Her telling me all of her dreams and plans for when she grows up.

{ the call.... }

Today we received the call.

The call that I knew was coming, but had hoped that it wouldn't.

The call that is sending my husband to Afghanistan again.

The call that will turn our lives upside down.....again.

We were having a normal day. Jerome had taken the day off to get some things done that he had been needing to. The kids were running in and out of the house barefoot....they were enjoying the weather outside and playing with all the neigbor kids. I was on the phone laughing with April about something that I can't remember now. Jerome walked in the room, looked at me and asked me who I was talking to. He had that look on his face. I hurriedly hung up the phone. We went to our bedroom and that is when he told me, "Amber, that was it.....that was the call".

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But instead I stood there frozen......numb. I wanted to pretend that what he had just told me hadn't really just happened.

He put his hands on my arms and pulled me close to him. I knew he thought I would have cried.....but I was just numb. I wanted to cry, but I just stood there frozen.

Then he said to me, "It will all be OK, we made it through this before, we can do it again. Besides, this time you won't have to worry about me as much. I'll be on a much safer base."

Those words kept repeating over and over in my head, "you won't have to worry about me as much". Then it hit me. I remembered the feeling of going to bed at night, unable to sleep because I was worried about him. How I spent every.waking.moment. trying to function and make it through the day with the "normal stuff" and try to keep my mind distracted and away from all the worry.

Then I cried.

I cried and he held me and promised me it would all be OK.

Then there was a knock on our bedroom door. It was one of our girls, they were wanting Jerome to fix their bicycle. I wiped my eyes, looked at him and smiled, he smiled back and then we opened the door to the normal day we were having before the call.

{ the simple things }

There it waits.

The tire swing swing under the old sycamore tree.

Waiting.

Waiting for summer to arrive.

Waiting for bare feet to swing it back and forth.

Waiting for little hands to hold on tight.

Waiting for kids to spin round and round in circles filling the air with laughter.

Waiting for summer to arrive.

We had a break in the weather earlier this week. The kids played on the tire swing late into the evening. When I told them it was time to come inside to get cleaned up and ready for bed, they begged to play outside just a little bit longer.

I can't wait for summer to get here. To watch the kids play in the yard and swing in circles round and round on the tire swing. Just a few more weeks and summer break will will be here.

There is one sure sign of our kids getting older. That is that the tire swing is to low to the ground for them now. I guess their daddy will have to tie the rope up a little taller for them this year.

{ Spencer Andrew }

It has been a busy couple of weeks.

Spencer took his school trip to Washington D.C. and had a great time. Jerome joined the group going and they both came home with a lot of D.C. stories and tired from all the walking and trying to sleep in the bus.

Then not long after that the kids were out on spring break. The girls and I took a trip to Ohio, Jerome had military in Williamsburg and Spencer went with a few friends to camp at the Greenbrier River in his friend's family's cabin.

The girls and I spent the week shopping for summer clothes, antiquing and having fun. Spencer spent the weekend fishing, tubing down the river, going to a local festival in Lewisburg and just hanging out with his friends.

Yesterday was the last day of spring break. Jerome had drill and the girls had spent the week with Grammie and Poppie and visiting their cousins. Jerome had to pick them up yesterday after drill and called to let me know they were going to dinner with Grann and Aunt Pam and they would be home later. So Spencer and I went to see a movie, got a bite to eat and came home. It was a pretty day and I had been wanting to get some pictures of him. We went and shot some pictures and I took a lot. It has been a long time since he has decided to cooperate for pictures, and...this time I didn't even have to bribe him either!

I took a lot of pictures. I plan to post more later. Right now I need to get dinner finished.

~Amber Hope

{ light shining through }

Yesterday evening, after a hard rainstorm, Natalie came running inside from the porch where she had been watching the rain fall. "Mommy, Mommy! You have to come and see the sky how pretty it is!", she said to me. I walked out on the porch and smiled as I looked up at the beautiful sky. "You're right", I told her, "It is a pretty sky this evening isn't it?". She then looked at me, put her hands together, letting me know she was getting ready to ask me something that she thought the answer would be no to. "Mommy, can I please, please, please use your camera and take a picture of the sky?", she asked me. I smiled and said, "Of course you can, just please be careful". She gave me a big hug and ran inside to get my camera. I showed her a few things on it, set it to auto for her and went inside to pull a load of clothes out of the dryer.

She came back in the house after some time and proudly showed me all the pictures she had taken. I told her how good they were.

Last night after putting the girls to bed, I loaded up her pictures and the one above caught my attention. I think it is beautiful. She did a beautiful job of holding a big camera in her tiny hands and capturing what she saw as beauty, the sky showing through our worn out American flag hanging from our front porch.

~Amber Hope