{ a month in pictures: May }

May has been an eventful month for us. We have stayed very busy and finished up all the projects and homework assignments that were needed to complete the school year before starting our summer vacation.

1. Natalie had a wonderful teacher this year, Mrs. Morton. Her teacher had the kids do an in class project of taking care of eggs that soon became little chicks. Natalie begged for weeks to bring one home when it was time. I finally gave in and we happily brought "Buddy" home from school.

2. Spencer and Jerome took a paintballing trip with several of their friends. I'm glad they are able to make some of these good memories this summer.

3. The girls and I made these mini cherry cheesecakes for Memorial Day.

4. Jerome spent two weeks out of May in Williamsburg for military training.

5. Natalie and Katie enjoyed splashing in the pool with their neighborhood friends, Autumn and Cheyanne. We had a cookout Memorial Day and had a great time visiting with close friends.

{ hopscotch days }

Hopscotch days are here to stay for a while. School is out, the weather is hot and the evenings carry over into the night. Our girls have been filling their days and evenings with hopscotch, splashing in the pool, running and playing with the neighbor's girls and eating all the popcicles in the freezer. It feels like summer, finally, and they are enjoying every minute of it.

{ chickadee }

Natalie had a wonderful fourth grade teacher this year. Everyday while they were doing this chic project at school Natalie would come home and tell me about what they had learned that day. She had an orthodontist appointment one day and was very anxious to get back to school because they were doing something very important with the eggs that day.

Along with this, she asked me every.single.day. if she could bring her chick home when it hatched. I right away didn't like the idea because I know little chicks become big roosters or hens....and that I didn't want. I repeatedly told her if I wanted to live on a farm and raise chickens I would have and that I really, really didn't want to have a chicken. Then I would remind her how often we have to tell them to feed or water Molly, our dog.....that they begged for too.

Eventually I gave in. She was so into this project at school and really, really wanted to bring her chick home. The day we picked the chick up from school you would have thought it was Christmas morning. She talked to her chick and held it close to her, then looked at me and gave me a hug and a thank you for letting the chick come home with us.

I couldn't wait to get my camera out to take some pictures of Natalie and her new chick, which she named "Buddy".  I took a lot of pictures and laughed watching her with her new chick. It started pecking at her arm and she laughed and said, "Buddy likes my freckles! He is pecking at my freckles!".

That was about two weeks ago. Since then we have ALL become attached to Buddy. He is getting bigger every day. Natalie agreed when I told her that we could bring Buddy home that when he got to big to stay inside that he would go to her friends house who has a farm and a good place where Buddy can live.

Natalie is tired of cleaning up after Buddy and asked me today when we were going to take Buddy to another home to live. I asked her why and she said, "Oh, I don't know. He makes a big messes now." I think she is ready for him to go, but everything is reversed now and I, I am not ready to see Buddy go.

{ acceptance }

I had hoped to wake up this morning not having those same feelings I felt falling asleep to last night. Even though I hit the ground running, getting the kids ready for school, then on to Spencer's eye exam and then back to school again.....I couldn't help but come home and cry.

I woke up to it. I went through my morning routine with it. I carried on conversations with my kids with it. Then finally I came home and was alone with it. It finally pulled me to a point where I couldn't ignore it. I cried. And then I cried some more. I felt like I couldn't function today. I did nothing but mope all day, in this depressed mode of trying to accept the fact that he will be deploying again. Whether I want it or not, he will be going.

I managed to make it through the day, then on to voice lessons for Natalie and drum lessons for Spencer. Once Spencer was back in the lesson room for his lessons I took the girls out to the car. I just couldn't hardly hold my head up, I was exhausted and nautious, everything felt like it was spinning, my head was  hurting and I just wanted to be away from everything. I don't know what is going on. It feels like a deep depression of knowing he is leaving us again. I am trying to accept it. But it is hard. I don't want to accept it. I want to pretend like he isn't going. I want to be able to function again. I want these feelings inside of me to just go away.

I put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight. Then Jerome called and I was able to talk to him for just a bit. Not long, not even enough time to tell him how I've been feeling. And to, there is that part of me that doesn't want to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be strong right? I'm supposed to be supportive and not burden him with this while he is away....right? But I so very much wanted to tell him. I wanted to cry and tell him how much it is hurting inside trying to accept this. But there wasn't time.

So tonight as I stepped over the paper, markers, scissors and crayons from the school projects we had to make this evening, I decided since there is no one to talk to I would write it out. Let all the words be my feelings, but somehow I can't. I'm telling myself to pull it together. He isn't gone yet, he doesn't leave for several months. The markers and crayons laying in the floor beside me are a reminder to pull it together. If not for my own sanity, for our kids. They don't need a mom who isn't functioning, who isn't distracted while making a postcard of Vermont (one of the projects). They need a mom who is strong, who is able to face this challenge again and not worry about what tomorrow brings. They need me. If they can't have their daddy right now, they need me to be there....to really be there and be strong.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm leaving the crayons and markers where they are for tonight. That way in the morning it will be a reminder to myself to pull it together. If not for myself, for them. I need to accept that he is leaving and the sooner I can accept it, I'm thinking maybe the sooner I'll feel better.

~Amber Hope

{ time }

I never knew how important time was until I started counting down the days.

You realize just how quickly it slips through your fingers.

How quickly the moments flash by you, one after the other.

And in each moment wanting to just stop time, right there where it is so that you don't have to face the unbearing truth of knowing that the time to say goodbye once again is coming.

I've tried tucking it away, the knowing that these next few months are going to go by so quickly. I've tried not thinking about it. Not letting myself remember the heartache and worry that sets in the very moment you let time start moving again.

But like all things, I guess it catches up with you.

Tonight it has caught up with me.

He is in Williamsburg, VA right now training. He has been gone four days. Four days and I am missing him terribly. And with that missing him the heartache and worry has set in. The thought that keeps going through my mind, "this is it. this is how it was, lonely, a quiet house at night" the realization that I am and will be all alone all to soon.

I can't stand it. I don't want it. I don't want to feel this heartache again. This feeling of emptiness and being alone to face whatever life brings at me while he is gone. I am not ready.

~Amber Hope

{ dreams. }

A few weeks ago me, Jerome and the girls watched our wedding. They had never watched it before and loved it.

Well, except for the crazy hair that everyone had....they were rollling in laughter at some of the hairstyles.

They laughed at Jerome's "knee socks" and asked him why he was wearing knee socks in the wedding. He told them they weren't knee socks, laughing, and then told them they were Navy dress leggings and something special he wore for a surprise for their mommy.

Katie laughed and said, "Well.....they look like knee socks".

When the wedding ended, Natalie looked at us and asked us how much a wedding costs. We told her A LOT if you have a big wedding these days.

Then she smiled a sweet smile and said, "Well, I want a big wedding".

We laughed and told her she had better start saving for it now.

          -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never, not once did I think Natalie took what we said to heart.

There is a new store that opened in the mall called Charming Charlie, I've been promising them a trip there to buy something if they can keep up with their chores and earn their own money to buy something.

This evening, Natalie and I had a conversation that made me laugh and smile.........and pull her close to me and give her a hug.

The conversation went a little something like this:

Me:   Natalie, pretty soon you'll have enough money saved to go to Charming Charlie.

Natalie: (very matter of fact like) Mom.....I'm not saving my money for Charming Charlie!

Me: (rather confused, then looked at her)  Well, what are you saving your money for?

Natalie: (very excitedly) My WEDDING!!

Me: Your wedding?

Natalie: (very matter of fact again) Yes....you and daddy said if I wanted a big wedding I needed to start saving for it now.

Me: (thinking this would be a good time to have a conversation just her and I) What kind of wedding do you want to have?

Natalie: I want a big wedding. I want a trane that is long....but not froofy like yours was!! I want it to cover my face. I want a long dress with sleeves.

Me:   That sounds very pretty.

Natalie:   Yes. And.....I want to marry a military man!

Me: (very surprised) A military man huh?

Natalie: Yes.

Me:   Well then, what kind of military man?

Natalie:   One with a nice uniform, not knee socks like daddy's. A uniform that is black, blue, gold and red.

Me: Do you mean a Marine?

Natalie: Yes, I like that uniform. It looks nice.

Me: Oh.....I see. (smiling)

There was a little pause and then......

Natalie:   Is it hard being married to a military man mommy?

Me:   It's a tough life chic.....but it is wonderful.

Then we just snuggled and she went on and on about her wedding. What her bridesmaids would wear. What kind of cake she wanted. What kind of flowes she would have.

I laid there and held her while she talked.

Realizing that these moments won't last long.

That pretty soon these wedding dreams she has planned really will be coming true.

And in that little space of time....I just wanted to remember her being little. Her telling me all of her dreams and plans for when she grows up.

{ the call.... }

Today we received the call.

The call that I knew was coming, but had hoped that it wouldn't.

The call that is sending my husband to Afghanistan again.

The call that will turn our lives upside down.....again.

We were having a normal day. Jerome had taken the day off to get some things done that he had been needing to. The kids were running in and out of the house barefoot....they were enjoying the weather outside and playing with all the neigbor kids. I was on the phone laughing with April about something that I can't remember now. Jerome walked in the room, looked at me and asked me who I was talking to. He had that look on his face. I hurriedly hung up the phone. We went to our bedroom and that is when he told me, "Amber, that was it.....that was the call".

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But instead I stood there frozen......numb. I wanted to pretend that what he had just told me hadn't really just happened.

He put his hands on my arms and pulled me close to him. I knew he thought I would have cried.....but I was just numb. I wanted to cry, but I just stood there frozen.

Then he said to me, "It will all be OK, we made it through this before, we can do it again. Besides, this time you won't have to worry about me as much. I'll be on a much safer base."

Those words kept repeating over and over in my head, "you won't have to worry about me as much". Then it hit me. I remembered the feeling of going to bed at night, unable to sleep because I was worried about him. How I spent every.waking.moment. trying to function and make it through the day with the "normal stuff" and try to keep my mind distracted and away from all the worry.

Then I cried.

I cried and he held me and promised me it would all be OK.

Then there was a knock on our bedroom door. It was one of our girls, they were wanting Jerome to fix their bicycle. I wiped my eyes, looked at him and smiled, he smiled back and then we opened the door to the normal day we were having before the call.