Bedtime Stories From Far Away

Before Jerome left I found this book that I knew we needed.

I knew the kids would find comfort in hearing him read them a bedtime story even though he isn't here.

A few days before he left I watched him read this book, record his voice and make this book for our kids.

 January 2012 
 


One night I found Katie snuggled in our bed and listening to her Daddy read her a bedtime story.

 March 5, 2012



This is her favorite page.

She told me she loves how he says, "I love you, you, you".

She sometimes will flip the page back and forth so that he reads this page over and over.



Katie is really the only one who opens this book.

Natalie deals with the deployment by not thinking about it, avoiding the thought of her Daddy being gone at all costs.

Katie opens the book and listens to her Daddy telling her a bedtime story in our bedroom.

It makes Natalie break down whenever she hears her Daddy's voice.

It has been a comfort for Katie.

She will have him read her the bedtime story again and again and again.

The first time I gave it to her was the night he left.

We had said goodbye at the airport earlier that day.

That night we all went to bed.

I was crying in his pillow and I heard a knock at my door.

It was Katie. She was missing him.

She climbed up in bed with me and I surprised her with the book.

She loved it.

We listened to him read it to us over and over that night.

It just feels so good to hear his voice sometimes.

Happy Birthday.

Today is my husband's birthday. Another one of many that we have learned to celebrate it even though we are apart.

Before he left we had one more Friday night date night.

We took Spencer and his girlfriend to Outback with us to have dinner. They sat in a different part of the restaurant from us and had their own dinner date.

Spencer, to be sneaky and play a joke on us, told his waitress that his parents were here and it was his mom's birthday.

After our dinner we were surprised to find a handful of waiters and waitresses coming to our table to sing happy birthday and gave us a chocolate covered scoop of vanilla ice cream with a birthday candle burning.

Jerome and I both laughed at it and just went along with it.

After they finished singing and left our table we started talking about it.

I told him I know Spencer planned this as a joke on us but it actually ended up working out pretty good.

We both were going to be apart on each of our birthdays, so blowing out the birthday candle and sharing the ice cream scoop was nice, we were able to celebrate our birthdays together before he left.





This past Monday I spent the morning in the kitchen doing this.....





Reese cups are his favorite candy and I found this cake recipe a few years ago and made this cake for him on his birthday.

This is his cake from 2010 that I made him.....




I made it a little different this time. I knew that it was going to be packaged as well as I could and shipped to him at his base over 1,000 miles away. I decided to COVER his cake in reese cups this time to help and hopefully keep his cake in one piece.

He knew I was planning on making a cake and sending it and he kept teasing me saying that there is NO WAY that shipping a cake to him, that it would all stay in one piece. I insisted on making one and sending it anyway, I told him he was not going to have a birthday without a cake. He laughed and said, "OK then, I'll send you a picture of the cake when I get it....it will be all smashed and nothing but crumbles".

I made his reese cup cake Monday and shipped it out to him that afternoon.

I kept my fingers crossed that it would get there in good shape and that using almost a whole package of cling wrap, three bags of paper confetti and the napkins and plates I put in would help keep in in one piece.





I received a text Wednesday morning that said, "It made it safe!!". I was very excited to see the picture he sent but even more excited about the short video he sent just a little bit later. He had a slice of his cake and a candle and blew it out for me and said, "Thank you baby for my cake", then he laughed and so did the other men that were in the room. I miss hearing his laugh.





We also sent him this other birthday package with his present (a watch) and a bunch of other birthday goodies.........





Oh, and Spencer picked out the Spider Man wrapping paper for him. He wanted to make sure Jerome knew that.

I don't like that we are apart today for his birthday, but we are looking forward to our trip we are planning soon. We will be traveling to see him before he leaves to go to Afghanistan. It also makes me happy to know that this time next year we will be together for his birthday.

134. the excitement of putting a birthday care package for my husband together.

135. watching the kids put the stickers on the box.

136. baking him a chocolate cake from scratch.

137. knowing he will have a little bit of home for his birthday.

138. proving him wrong that I CAN ship a cake and it not be in a million pieces (wink)

139. watching the video he sent me saying, "Thank you baby for my cake", then watching him blow  out the candle and hearing his laughter.

140. finding the perfect watch for his birthday present.

Jerome- Happy Birthday!! I love you!

2 a.m.

It's two o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.

I lay awake in bed alone, listening to the quiet of the house, looking at the picture of my husband sitting on our dresser and missing him, and realizing just how empty the night feels without him. The only sound coming from our room is the sound of our dog, Molly, snoring away on her cozy bed in the floor.

The past few days have been such a whirlwind. I am exhausted, completely exhausted but it is two in the morning and I can't sleep.

Monday we said our goodbyes at the airport. I don't have any pictures from that day, but I don't need them. I remember all the goodbyes, they keep playing over and over in my head.

I'll never forget seeing Jerome holding both of our girls in his arms and hearing them sobbing telling him they will miss him. I won't forget how he tried to not cry but couldn't hold it back while holding them.

I'll never forget how Spencer stood strong like a grown man,hugging his dad and trying to be brave. I remember seeing him watch his dad leave, walk through a gate knowing that he won't see him for another year.

I remember the excitement I felt when the man at the ticket counter gave me a pass to go through security with Jerome so that I can see him off on his flight. And how that pass in my hand felt like such an amazing gift.

I remember Jerome, with his arms around me giving me a last kiss while the speaker was calling the final boarding call.

I remember watching him walk away.

I remember turning and not wanting to leave. I just wanted to stand there in that moment....just for a minute more. I remember the heaviness I felt in my heart as I walked away, up the stairs and down the long hall, further and further away from the plane that the man I love was sitting in waiting for take off.

I remember as I walked down that long hall how each step felt so very lonely. Each and every step was a reminder to me that I am alone now, that it is all up to me to carry on everything at home. That this day I have been dreading for months has finally made its way into our lives. Each and every step hurt, it hurt to walk away.

I remember trying to hold it together as I walked through the doors to where our family and friends waited. I couldn't hold it. My son, my wonderful son put his arms around me and I cried. My tears were rolling and he was the strength I needed at that moment.

The rest of the day I tried to stay busy but in reality I was just numbing the pain that was tearing at my heart.

That night as I climbed into bed I laid there for a minute looking around at our dark, empty bedroom. Then I rolled over onto his pillow, the smell of his pillow brought all of my emotions to the surface. I cried into his pillow missing him so much.

Then there was a knock at the door. It was Katie, her eyes were filled with tears, she looked at me and said, "Mommy....I miss daddy". I pulled the covers down and she climbed into bed. Then I pulled out the book we had made for them for when they were missing their daddy. She opened the book and her daddy's recorded voice started reading the book "Under The Same Moon" to her. She let him read the book to her three times that night. She snuggled beside me and said, "Mommy, I like that book. It makes me feel like daddy is here".

Tuesday morning we all slept in. I knew our kids needed a day to be able to deal with their emotions before going back to school. The girls were doing good, considering, but Spencer didn't want to get out of bed. He told me he didn't feel good so I let him stay in bed....I thought he was just upset about his dad leaving. Later I told him to get dressed, that I was taking them all to get some lunch and get out of the house to get some fresh air. I thought it would do Spencer some good.

While we were out I realized that he really wasn't feeling good. We quickly came back home and he went back to bed. Jerome called us from Skype later that evening and I had Natalie go wake Spencer up so that he could talk to his dad, hoping that it would cheer him up a bit and make him feel a little better.

He came in and sat down beside me. I could feel the heat from his body just by him sitting close to me, I knew he had to be running a high fever. He talked to Jerome for a minute then bent his head down to type something on the computer and he grabbed the back of his neck in pain. I immediately took his temperature and it was 103.2. Then Jerome said, "Take him to the ER right now" through Skype, he didn't have to tell me, I was already yelling at the girls to grab their shoes. I called my neighbor who knew the instant she answered the phone something was wrong. I felt so bad dropping our girls off at my neighbors in such a rush. Her husband opened the door and I basically said, "Here's my girls, thanks for keeping them on such short notice. Oh and by the way.....here is two cans of soup....I hadn't had a chance to fix dinner yet, I'll call you from the ER and let you know what is going on".

After a long night in the ER (not from waiting though, they took us back immediately)and many tests later including a spinal tap I was told that Spencer had viral meningitis (of which I already knew seeing we just went through this in October with Katie). We were able to go home though, with instructions of quarantine, lots of fluids and plenty of alternating motrin and tylenol. We pulled back into our driveway around two in the morning.

Today has been a struggle for Spencer. He has been in pain but not the extreme pain I saw Katie go through. His fever keeps spiking and he is completely sick of drinking gatorade. I know though in a few days he will feel a bit better.

Friends have asked to keep Natalie and Katie. They know that I don't want either of them to get sick with meningitis. Katie is staying at her friend Sydney's and Natalie at Emily's. I am so very thankful that their moms offered to keep them, in hopes to keep them well. That is a friend, someone to step in and help in a time of need, and I am very thankful for it.

Spencer was able to talk to Jerome this evening on Skype. He was awake long enough to talk to his dad and then fell back asleep.

And so here I am. The first quiet time I have had in these past few days. The first time I have felt like I'm not spinning in a whirlwind. And the first time I have had a moment to feel the feelings I feel about this deployment. Sometimes the quiet isn't wonderful. Sometimes the lack of a whirlwind life isn't wonderful. Sometimes you miss the little bits of life that somedays get overlooked until you don't have them anymore.

But, the end of today just means that we are one day closer to Jerome coming back home. And even though it is past two in the morning, I can't sleep and am missing my husband....I know that I am strong. I know that our kids our strong. I know that their daddy is strong. I know that we can make it through this whether we have whirlwind days or quiet days that go by, each day that we make it through is one day closer to a wonderful homecoming.



When you read this Jerome, know that I am glad that you made it safely to where you are at now, even though I'd rather have you here with us. I love and miss you so much.

~Hope

Holding My Breath.

You know how you feel when you know something you dread is coming and you hold your breath in hopes that it just might pass you by? These days that is how I feel.

The long wait of his deployment day is getting so close that I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn't happening.

But eventually reality sets in, I exhale, and know that I have to do this whether I want to or not.

This week has been so busy. We have been loading everything that we can into every single day. Jerome is being the wonderful husband he is and making sure everything is squared away at home before he leaves. Yesterday we spent the day together just getting errands ran. Both vehicles needed an oil change. Jerome needed some things to pack before he leaves. We dropped the truck and van off at Walmart to get oil changes, while we were waiting we picked up a few things he needed.

Good sole inserts for his boots since he will be walking four miles in full gear.

Nice, thick socks to wear among other things.

As we were checking out and getting the keys to the truck the cashier held up the shoe insoles and told Jerome that she had some just like these and they were the best fifty bucks she had ever spent on herself. He laughed and said he hopes they will be good. The deployment came up, soles for his boots is where it started. She asked where he was going and he told her. Then she went on to tell us that her son-in-law is mobilizing and is getting ready to go to XX base (name of the base I won't say yet). Jerome laughed and told her it is a small world and that maybe he will see him there.

Then the cashier shook Jerome's hand, thanked him for his service, then reached her hand out to me. She shook my hand and looked at me and said, "How do you get through it?".

That little question took me by surprise. For a second I think I was holding my breath. I smiled, looked at her and said, "You just learn to cope".

Oh how the shake of a hand, a smile and a polite reply to a simple question sometimes feels like a sting.

Deep inside I knew the answer, you do learn to cope but not without great heartache.

There are days that come and go just like any other normal day.

Then there are days that I don't want to cope. That I don't want to go through this again. Days that I can barely eat because of all the built up nerves. Or the nights I can't sleep and just watch the alarm clock move from hour to hour, trying to make myself fall asleep because 6am and getting our kids ready for school comes really early when you haven't had much sleep. Or times when the thought of him leaving seems unbearable to deal with, it takes my breath away and all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. Then eventually I muster up enough strength inside of to make myself cope, I have to.....it is my only choice.

Yesterday evening felt like one of those days.

After we finished checking out we sat quietly in the truck waiting for the van to finish. Jerome knew that I was hurting and pulled me to him and I just cried. He didn't say anything, he knew to just hold me.

He made me smile again and assured me everything was going to be OK and to quit worrying.

Then we came home, I started dinner while he helped Natalie with homework. It felt like it was back to a "normal" day. That was until after dinner. I knew he was in our bedroom going through his stuff, getting his uniform ready for today. But what I didn't know was that he was getting ready to start packing.

I walked into the room and saw the empty trunk sitting there....waiting to be filled with all of his things that he will need for this deployment. The emptiness of the trunk sitting there in front of me just made me stop what I was doing and stand there looking at it. I held my breath because I didn't want to hurt again. I decided to not let it get the better of me and that at that moment I was going to make myself deal with this and so I did. I picked up my camera and started shooting. Not that this is a happy memory that I'll always want to remember, but it is still a memory. A piece of us, a part of our life.

{earlier this week on one of his weekly conference calls with his unit}

I love this picture for what it represents. Jerome is packing, looking at me smiling knowing that this is how I am coping with it at the moment. But still I see in him a man with unwavering strength that is ready to go and do his duty. And behind him is the paper chains that the girls and I made. One for each day that he will be gone (actually a little less is there....we ran out of paper), and every day we will take a chain off to count down the days to his return.





Everything was going fine. We were talking and laughing, I was taking pictures. He went back to Spencer's room only to return to find Katie upset. She didn't know he was packing for his deployment either. He picked her up, she cried on his shoulder and told him how she didn't want him to go. He wiped her tears explained to her that he had to and that the time would go by fast. He started joking with her to get her to cheer up and told her that this time next year he will be here getting after her to clean her room or do her homework. She laughed and started saying things that he will be saying to her next year. He always has a way of making us all feel better about this deployment. He can make our kids laugh when they just want to cry. He can make me forget that we are facing a deployment and to just enjoy all these little moments we are given right now. I love him for that.





When you read this Jerome....know that I am so very thankful to have you as my husband. I love how you remain strong in the middle of all this deployment craziness and how that you have always been the strength that helps us exhale when we just want to hold our breath and hope this deployment won't come our way. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Katie's Daddy Daughter Date.

Yesterday evening Jerome took Katie out for her Daddy Daughter Date.

Katie decided on bowling and McDonalds.

Katie won the first game of bowling. She was pretty thrilled to have beat her daddy at bowling (even though he never bowls either).

They bought a pitcher of soda, a big bowl of popcorn and two games of bowling.

Then they went to McDonalds to eat and she came home with a M&M flurry in hand.

She had a great evening with her daddy, especially beating him at bowling.

Preparing.

I wanted to make this Christmas special since Jerome won't be here next Christmas. But I am having a hard time with knowing the closer Christmas gets the closer his deployment day is as well.

I've been playing Christmas music, trying to enjoy the holiday but I am finding it hard to keep the holiday joy when inside I feel sad and anxious about him having to leave. I am excited about Christmas but I am trying to avoid thinking about the deployment.

I bought two books for myself that so far I am finding encouragement in reading them.



I need to for now find a different time to read these books though. I like to read at night before going to bed, it has always helped me sleep better. But reading this and having the deployment on my mind before drifting off to sleep doesn't work for me.

I went to the post office last week to ship some pictures from a few last orders I received. While I was there I picked up some flat rate shipping boxes and customs forms so that I will have them on hand at the house when I need them. They take a while to fill out so I plan on filling out a few whenever I can so that I will be able to put a package in the mail every week without the hassle of filling these forms out at the post office and holding up the line there.



Yesterday evening we went to Spencer's school to order JROTC pictures. Jerome met me there because he was just getting finished at the NOSC. There was a few parents in front of us and we were all instructed to just have a seat and wait until our name was called. We met Spencer's teacher, the Colonel, and Jerome talked with him a good while. He told him why Spencer wasn't at school (pulled Achilles tendon), they talked about how Spencer was in class, and then of course they talked a lot about military. After they finished talking and the Colonel went to greet some other parents who had just walked in the room, Jerome turned to me with this look on his face. A look that told me he had something to tell me that couldn't wait.

He said, "You know how I told you Noah is leaving earlier than me?", I shook my head yes and then he finished saying, "well, as it turns out we are both leaving at the same time." If he hadn't had that " haIve something to tell you that you aren't going to like" look on his face I would have thought that maybe Noah was leaving when Jerome was to leave. But instead Jerome will be leaving when Noah does.

I held my breath for a second because I didn't want to draw attention to our conversation. There were other parents and kids in the room and I had to hold my reaction inside. I know he wanted to tell me, but somewhere else would have been better. I looked over at Natalie as he told us and she dropped her chin down in disappointment, Katie crossed her arms across her chest and looked angry.

All of this counting down and getting ready, now we have less time than we had counted on. But, at least we have him for Christmas.

We have all been dealing with this deployment in different ways. Spencer struggles with it. I try to avoid thinking or talking about it. Natalie only seems to be upset when it comes up in conversation. But Katie, she comes home every day after school and watches soldiers returning home videos over and over. It really makes it hard to not think about it when I am standing in the kitchen fixing dinner and Katie is on the computer with the volume turned up watching the returning home videos. So many of them will make you smile and cry at the same time. This is one she watches ever, single, day.



Katie has asked me several times when her Daddy will be coming home and if they will be in school. She told me she wants him to surprise her at school (just like the kids in the videos she watches over and over).

76. sitting at the table together having dinner as a family
77. encouraging words written in a book
78. our kids being quiet while Jerome was on a military conference call
79. Katie's excitement about wanting Jerome to surprise her at school when he returns home
80. watching my family enjoy a new recipe I tried

{ making brownies with daddy. }

Day 21
7:48pm



This evening I watched Natalie and Katie make brownies with their Daddy in the kitchen. He even let them crack the egg, something I'm always hesitant to do. He helped Katie stir to make sure she mixed it all up good.

The brownies were yummy and a nice snack for our relaxing evening at home in our pajamas.