Friday, May 20, 2011

{ acceptance }

I had hoped to wake up this morning not having those same feelings I felt falling asleep to last night. Even though I hit the ground running, getting the kids ready for school, then on to Spencer's eye exam and then back to school again.....I couldn't help but come home and cry.

I woke up to it. I went through my morning routine with it. I carried on conversations with my kids with it. Then finally I came home and was alone with it. It finally pulled me to a point where I couldn't ignore it. I cried. And then I cried some more. I felt like I couldn't function today. I did nothing but mope all day, in this depressed mode of trying to accept the fact that he will be deploying again. Whether I want it or not, he will be going.

I managed to make it through the day, then on to voice lessons for Natalie and drum lessons for Spencer. Once Spencer was back in the lesson room for his lessons I took the girls out to the car. I just couldn't hardly hold my head up, I was exhausted and nautious, everything felt like it was spinning, my head was  hurting and I just wanted to be away from everything. I don't know what is going on. It feels like a deep depression of knowing he is leaving us again. I am trying to accept it. But it is hard. I don't want to accept it. I want to pretend like he isn't going. I want to be able to function again. I want these feelings inside of me to just go away.

I put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight. Then Jerome called and I was able to talk to him for just a bit. Not long, not even enough time to tell him how I've been feeling. And to, there is that part of me that doesn't want to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be strong right? I'm supposed to be supportive and not burden him with this while he is away....right? But I so very much wanted to tell him. I wanted to cry and tell him how much it is hurting inside trying to accept this. But there wasn't time.

So tonight as I stepped over the paper, markers, scissors and crayons from the school projects we had to make this evening, I decided since there is no one to talk to I would write it out. Let all the words be my feelings, but somehow I can't. I'm telling myself to pull it together. He isn't gone yet, he doesn't leave for several months. The markers and crayons laying in the floor beside me are a reminder to pull it together. If not for my own sanity, for our kids. They don't need a mom who isn't functioning, who isn't distracted while making a postcard of Vermont (one of the projects). They need a mom who is strong, who is able to face this challenge again and not worry about what tomorrow brings. They need me. If they can't have their daddy right now, they need me to be really be there and be strong.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm leaving the crayons and markers where they are for tonight. That way in the morning it will be a reminder to myself to pull it together. If not for myself, for them. I need to accept that he is leaving and the sooner I can accept it, I'm thinking maybe the sooner I'll feel better.

~Amber Hope

Thursday, May 19, 2011

{ time }

I never knew how important time was until I started counting down the days.

You realize just how quickly it slips through your fingers.

How quickly the moments flash by you, one after the other.

And in each moment wanting to just stop time, right there where it is so that you don't have to face the unbearing truth of knowing that the time to say goodbye once again is coming.

I've tried tucking it away, the knowing that these next few months are going to go by so quickly. I've tried not thinking about it. Not letting myself remember the heartache and worry that sets in the very moment you let time start moving again.

But like all things, I guess it catches up with you.

Tonight it has caught up with me.

He is in Williamsburg, VA right now training. He has been gone four days. Four days and I am missing him terribly. And with that missing him the heartache and worry has set in. The thought that keeps going through my mind, "this is it. this is how it was, lonely, a quiet house at night" the realization that I am and will be all alone all to soon.

I can't stand it. I don't want it. I don't want to feel this heartache again. This feeling of emptiness and being alone to face whatever life brings at me while he is gone. I am not ready.

~Amber Hope

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

{ dreams. }

A few weeks ago me, Jerome and the girls watched our wedding. They had never watched it before and loved it.

Well, except for the crazy hair that everyone had....they were rollling in laughter at some of the hairstyles.

They laughed at Jerome's "knee socks" and asked him why he was wearing knee socks in the wedding. He told them they weren't knee socks, laughing, and then told them they were Navy dress leggings and something special he wore for a surprise for their mommy.

Katie laughed and said, "Well.....they look like knee socks".

When the wedding ended, Natalie looked at us and asked us how much a wedding costs. We told her A LOT if you have a big wedding these days.

Then she smiled a sweet smile and said, "Well, I want a big wedding".

We laughed and told her she had better start saving for it now.


Never, not once did I think Natalie took what we said to heart.

There is a new store that opened in the mall called Charming Charlie, I've been promising them a trip there to buy something if they can keep up with their chores and earn their own money to buy something.

This evening, Natalie and I had a conversation that made me laugh and smile.........and pull her close to me and give her a hug.

The conversation went a little something like this:

Me:   Natalie, pretty soon you'll have enough money saved to go to Charming Charlie.

Natalie: (very matter of fact like) Mom.....I'm not saving my money for Charming Charlie!

Me: (rather confused, then looked at her)  Well, what are you saving your money for?

Natalie: (very excitedly) My WEDDING!!

Me: Your wedding?

Natalie: (very matter of fact again) and daddy said if I wanted a big wedding I needed to start saving for it now.

Me: (thinking this would be a good time to have a conversation just her and I) What kind of wedding do you want to have?

Natalie: I want a big wedding. I want a trane that is long....but not froofy like yours was!! I want it to cover my face. I want a long dress with sleeves.

Me:   That sounds very pretty.

Natalie:   Yes. And.....I want to marry a military man!

Me: (very surprised) A military man huh?

Natalie: Yes.

Me:   Well then, what kind of military man?

Natalie:   One with a nice uniform, not knee socks like daddy's. A uniform that is black, blue, gold and red.

Me: Do you mean a Marine?

Natalie: Yes, I like that uniform. It looks nice.

Me: Oh.....I see. (smiling)

There was a little pause and then......

Natalie:   Is it hard being married to a military man mommy?

Me:   It's a tough life chic.....but it is wonderful.

Then we just snuggled and she went on and on about her wedding. What her bridesmaids would wear. What kind of cake she wanted. What kind of flowes she would have.

I laid there and held her while she talked.

Realizing that these moments won't last long.

That pretty soon these wedding dreams she has planned really will be coming true.

And in that little space of time....I just wanted to remember her being little. Her telling me all of her dreams and plans for when she grows up.
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