{ Emotions }

Last week was one I am glad to put behind me.

Our kids have been struggling with knowing Jerome is going to be deploying.

Spencer hasn't been sleeping well at night. He told me the other day, "I can't sleep at night mom. I just lay there and can't get dad leaving off of my mind. I am upset he has to go."

We talked a little bit about it. I reminded him that his dad doesn't leave for at least six more months. I told him his dad reminded me the other night that he doesn't want us to be sad now, he wants us to just enjoy every day together.

He said, "I know mom, but it still hurts."

I told him I know and that I understand how he is feeling. Truth be known I feel the same.

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The week before that Spencer was making things to hang on his wall in his bedroom. I noticed a paper with numbers, somewhat of a countdown. I didn't say anything to him, I've found that sometimes it is better to just let them come to you.

Later that evening he asked me to come look at what he had hung up on his wall.

He was happy and excited to show me.

My eyes first wondered to the paper with numbers, "What's this?" I asked him. He didn't say anything....but I knew what it was.

Then I looked up above that paper and read what he had wrote on another paper and hung on his wall.

The paper said, "With great power, comes great responsibility".

"That's from Spiderman, right?" I asked him.

He was silent.

I knew without turning around to look at him that something was wrong....I could just feel it.

I turned around, his face was flushed and he was holding back what looked like the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Then the words of that quote rang in my head. And I realized what he was thinking, or somewhat feeling.

"Do you feel like you are responsible for us when your dad is away?" I asked him.

He broke down crying and said, "Yes. Everyone keeps saying I'll be the man of the house when he leaves."

My heart broke into a million pieces for him. I gave him a hug, he cried on my shoulder. And I told him that that is just something people say. I told him the only responsibility he has is to concentrate on his academics, work hard on football and keep up with his stuff here at home, nothing that isn't expected of him when his dad is here. About that time Jerome came home from work, heard us talking back in Spencer's room and came back there with us.

Jerome sat down on his bed with him and asked him what was bothering him. The three of us had a long talk. We did a lot of reassuring Spencer that everything was going to be OK, that he needs not to worry about all of this right now and that his dad is there for him to talk to, even when he is deployed.....he reminded him that we will still be able to communicate with each other when he is deployed.
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Time with Dad.

Saturday we spent the day with Jerome at a military family day.

They all packed their swim suits and were ready for a day of fun.

This is my very favorite picture from the day.

Katie has always loved her Daddy throwing her up in the air to splash in the pool water, even before she was even two years old. She has always been our "water baby" (what we've always called her because of her love for the water).

I think this picture says it all.

How much she loves her Daddy and just how much she loves that he can still pick her up and throw her in the water.

Natalie had her fair share of getting picked up and tossed by her Daddy in the pool too.

Spencer was there too, he just has a way of disappearing when I turn the camera to him.

This is what I have of him......

I am trying to make sure to capture as many moments of us with Jerome as I can.

I know next year when the summer is getting long, and the deployment feels like it will never end, we can look back and remember these hot summer days with him.

 Splashing in the pool and being together as a family.

Natalie and Katie were saying "HELLO" underwater.

We all had a fun day Saturday.

I'm looking forward to more Saturday's spent together as a family.

I know I haven't been writing a lot lately. I think we are still learning to adjust to knowing he is deploying again. I have many more things to write, but for now I just don't want to talk or write about the deployment. Right now it seems easier to just keep it far away from thought and just not think about it. I want to enjoy each and every moment we have together as a family.

~Amber Hope

{ a month in pictures: May }

May has been an eventful month for us. We have stayed very busy and finished up all the projects and homework assignments that were needed to complete the school year before starting our summer vacation.

1. Natalie had a wonderful teacher this year, Mrs. Morton. Her teacher had the kids do an in class project of taking care of eggs that soon became little chicks. Natalie begged for weeks to bring one home when it was time. I finally gave in and we happily brought "Buddy" home from school.

2. Spencer and Jerome took a paintballing trip with several of their friends. I'm glad they are able to make some of these good memories this summer.

3. The girls and I made these mini cherry cheesecakes for Memorial Day.

4. Jerome spent two weeks out of May in Williamsburg for military training.

5. Natalie and Katie enjoyed splashing in the pool with their neighborhood friends, Autumn and Cheyanne. We had a cookout Memorial Day and had a great time visiting with close friends.

{ hopscotch days }

Hopscotch days are here to stay for a while. School is out, the weather is hot and the evenings carry over into the night. Our girls have been filling their days and evenings with hopscotch, splashing in the pool, running and playing with the neighbor's girls and eating all the popcicles in the freezer. It feels like summer, finally, and they are enjoying every minute of it.

{ chickadee }

Natalie had a wonderful fourth grade teacher this year. Everyday while they were doing this chic project at school Natalie would come home and tell me about what they had learned that day. She had an orthodontist appointment one day and was very anxious to get back to school because they were doing something very important with the eggs that day.

Along with this, she asked me every.single.day. if she could bring her chick home when it hatched. I right away didn't like the idea because I know little chicks become big roosters or hens....and that I didn't want. I repeatedly told her if I wanted to live on a farm and raise chickens I would have and that I really, really didn't want to have a chicken. Then I would remind her how often we have to tell them to feed or water Molly, our dog.....that they begged for too.

Eventually I gave in. She was so into this project at school and really, really wanted to bring her chick home. The day we picked the chick up from school you would have thought it was Christmas morning. She talked to her chick and held it close to her, then looked at me and gave me a hug and a thank you for letting the chick come home with us.

I couldn't wait to get my camera out to take some pictures of Natalie and her new chick, which she named "Buddy".  I took a lot of pictures and laughed watching her with her new chick. It started pecking at her arm and she laughed and said, "Buddy likes my freckles! He is pecking at my freckles!".

That was about two weeks ago. Since then we have ALL become attached to Buddy. He is getting bigger every day. Natalie agreed when I told her that we could bring Buddy home that when he got to big to stay inside that he would go to her friends house who has a farm and a good place where Buddy can live.

Natalie is tired of cleaning up after Buddy and asked me today when we were going to take Buddy to another home to live. I asked her why and she said, "Oh, I don't know. He makes a big messes now." I think she is ready for him to go, but everything is reversed now and I, I am not ready to see Buddy go.

{ acceptance }

I had hoped to wake up this morning not having those same feelings I felt falling asleep to last night. Even though I hit the ground running, getting the kids ready for school, then on to Spencer's eye exam and then back to school again.....I couldn't help but come home and cry.

I woke up to it. I went through my morning routine with it. I carried on conversations with my kids with it. Then finally I came home and was alone with it. It finally pulled me to a point where I couldn't ignore it. I cried. And then I cried some more. I felt like I couldn't function today. I did nothing but mope all day, in this depressed mode of trying to accept the fact that he will be deploying again. Whether I want it or not, he will be going.

I managed to make it through the day, then on to voice lessons for Natalie and drum lessons for Spencer. Once Spencer was back in the lesson room for his lessons I took the girls out to the car. I just couldn't hardly hold my head up, I was exhausted and nautious, everything felt like it was spinning, my head was  hurting and I just wanted to be away from everything. I don't know what is going on. It feels like a deep depression of knowing he is leaving us again. I am trying to accept it. But it is hard. I don't want to accept it. I want to pretend like he isn't going. I want to be able to function again. I want these feelings inside of me to just go away.

I put the kids to bed, kissed them goodnight. Then Jerome called and I was able to talk to him for just a bit. Not long, not even enough time to tell him how I've been feeling. And to, there is that part of me that doesn't want to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be strong right? I'm supposed to be supportive and not burden him with this while he is away....right? But I so very much wanted to tell him. I wanted to cry and tell him how much it is hurting inside trying to accept this. But there wasn't time.

So tonight as I stepped over the paper, markers, scissors and crayons from the school projects we had to make this evening, I decided since there is no one to talk to I would write it out. Let all the words be my feelings, but somehow I can't. I'm telling myself to pull it together. He isn't gone yet, he doesn't leave for several months. The markers and crayons laying in the floor beside me are a reminder to pull it together. If not for my own sanity, for our kids. They don't need a mom who isn't functioning, who isn't distracted while making a postcard of Vermont (one of the projects). They need a mom who is strong, who is able to face this challenge again and not worry about what tomorrow brings. They need me. If they can't have their daddy right now, they need me to be there....to really be there and be strong.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm leaving the crayons and markers where they are for tonight. That way in the morning it will be a reminder to myself to pull it together. If not for myself, for them. I need to accept that he is leaving and the sooner I can accept it, I'm thinking maybe the sooner I'll feel better.

~Amber Hope

{ time }

I never knew how important time was until I started counting down the days.

You realize just how quickly it slips through your fingers.

How quickly the moments flash by you, one after the other.

And in each moment wanting to just stop time, right there where it is so that you don't have to face the unbearing truth of knowing that the time to say goodbye once again is coming.

I've tried tucking it away, the knowing that these next few months are going to go by so quickly. I've tried not thinking about it. Not letting myself remember the heartache and worry that sets in the very moment you let time start moving again.

But like all things, I guess it catches up with you.

Tonight it has caught up with me.

He is in Williamsburg, VA right now training. He has been gone four days. Four days and I am missing him terribly. And with that missing him the heartache and worry has set in. The thought that keeps going through my mind, "this is it. this is how it was, lonely, a quiet house at night" the realization that I am and will be all alone all to soon.

I can't stand it. I don't want it. I don't want to feel this heartache again. This feeling of emptiness and being alone to face whatever life brings at me while he is gone. I am not ready.

~Amber Hope