Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Less than 18 weeks....

Seasons have come and gone.

Time has gone by so fast since April.

I've learned to deal (or for better words, not deal) with Jerome deploying again by just not thinking about it. By enjoying each and every minute we have together. Celebrating the birthdays and holidays together as a family, knowing in the back of my mind it will just be me and our kids next year here at home.

As the deployment date gets closer, it is getting harder and harder to "deal" with it. No matter how hard I try to push the thought of it away it has a way of creeping in our lives whether we want it or not. Just in everyday things, simple questions from our kids friends parents asking when Jerome deploys, or in a song that plays on the radio that I listened to over and over when he was gone last time, planning last minute family trips before he leaves, tucking our kids in bed at night and listening to them tell Jerome how they don't want him to leave and watch him as he wipes their tears promising them that everything will be OK.

Yesterday Natalie had an orthodontist appointment. They gave us a school excuse with the stamped time of the time we left the office and sent us on our way. I had lunch with Natalie because she missed it at school. On our way back home she was asking if she could just miss the rest of the day and that her teacher had given her her homework already. I told her no and that she needed to go to school. She kept asking, kept begging to stay home. I kept telling her no, she kept asking. She asked why and I told her because we need to save our parent excused days. Not understanding she asked again if she could stay home and then asked why we have to save them. I told her, "because we do".

I didn't want to tell her why, I didn't want to think about why we have to save them. I didn't want the mention of it to even come up. But she kept asking me why, so I finally told her, "because we have to save them for when Daddy leaves so that we can go see him".

She looked at me with tears in her eyes that swelled up just from the mentioning of him leaving. She started crying and looked at me and told me, "Mommy, I told you I don't want to see him go! I don't want to see him walk away from me!".

My heart felt like it was breaking and my throat felt so tight, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry like my little girl sitting in the passenger seat beside me. But I couldn't, I had to calm her down, comfort her and reassure her. Such a heavy thought for such a little girl.....not wanting to see him walk away.

Something as simple as a conversation about not skipping out on school turned into something like this.

We talked it out. I got her laughing again. And the conversation we had just had was far from her mind. I think they are "dealing" with it the same way that I am.....just trying not to think about it until you have to.

I dropped her off at school. Gave her a kiss and told her I'd see her in a bit.

I came home, unlocked the door, set the bags by the door, walked to our room, sat on the edge of the bed and just cried.

Bday 01 Blog

Lately I've been listening to a song on a CD I bought last week. The song I listen to isn't one I had ever heard, I bought it for another song that is on it. But as I was listening to my new CD playing, I was cleaning the kitchen having a normal day and then this song came on. I stood and listened to it for a minute, then cried the middle of washing dishes.

The words in the song sound harsh but you have to know that everything that I feel, everything that I keep bottled up inside me about this deployment some days are just to much to bear. To much to think about, to much to just hurts so much sometimes.

I am proud of my husband for who he is, our freedom that he is going to fight for, his loyalty and patriotism to his country, his unconditional love to his family. I know that this is him, this is what makes him him. But sometimes I can't help but wish we didn't have to go through this, these emotions, the deployment, the feeling of being alone again separated by thousands of miles. But then I remember how much he loves us, how much he loves his country and know that these both go hand in hand. It is what makes him who he is today.

The chorus to

Cold As Stone

I wish I was cold as stone,
Then I wouldn't feel a thing
Wish i didn't have this heart
Then i wouldn't know the sting of the rain
I could stand strong and still, watching you walk away
It wouldn't hurt like this, or feel so all alone
Wish I was cold as stone

Oh and I don't think this pain is going to go away.

Lady Antebellum

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